WOMEN

Beer:
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Cocktails or blender drinks with umbrella:
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Mixed drinks (no umbrellas e.g.; Scotch and soda or gin and tonic)
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Water:
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious lease with an option to buy.
Approach: Don’t

Wine (bottled, not 4 liter cask):
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc:
Personality: Easy… thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is… and you’re in.

Cape Velvet:
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.):
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk… and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait…

MEN

Cider:
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Beer:
He’s poor or a student and wants to get laid.

Premium Beer:
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer:
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Guinness:
The man is a beer-monster and will get laid one way or another.

Water:
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.

Wine:
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy:
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

Port:
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whiskey:
He doesn’t give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels:
Not as masculine as the whiskey drinker, knows all about feminine activities knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

Rum or Tequila:
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc:
He’s gay (blatantly)